The Mary Sue Effect
by Wynter Sora
Summary: Camp Half-Blood is being invaded.  Not by Greek monsters or Kronos's minions, but by Mary Sues.  Gods help us all. Rated T for language, "character" bashing, and breaking the fourth wall.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I know that the whole "bashing Mary Sue" thing has been done to death, but after reading a bunch of "OC" stories, I couldn't help myself. (Seriously. Pass the brain bleach, please.)**

**For the record, I do not claim to be some amazing wonderful writer whose every word should be taken as the Gospel truth. I know that I'm not perfect and that I'm not exactly the expert at creating perfect OCs. (And by **_**perfect**_**, I mean **_**not perfect**_**.) Flames will be used to toast marshmallows. Mm, marshmallows.**

**Any resemblances (names, etc) to other fics are purely coincidental. I'm using examples from the Mary Sue community as a whole, not from select stories. (But if you're reading this and think, hmm, this sounds like my story, that's probably not a good thing.)**

**I hope you excuse my horrible attempt at humor here. I've never been funny and I'm not about to start now.**

**Rated T for swearing, "character" bashing, and breaking the fourth wall.**

**I do not own Percy Jackson and the Olympians.**

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><p>"Annabeth, <em>please.<em> We have to do something about this." Rachel Elizabeth Dare throws her hands up in the air, scattering handfuls of paper every which way. "Look at this! They're starting to make _me _go OOC! Me! And I'm the freaking _Oracle_!"

Annabeth Chase sighs, leaning back in the creaky wooden chair. They're sitting in Rachel's temporary apartment on the top floor of the Big House, which has been basically converted to an art studio with little room for sleeping. Or eating. Or breathing. "Yeah, well." _Damn_. She can feel the effects of the, eh, _new campers _on her, too.

"You're the daughter of Athena," Rachel continues. "And this is the only place where we can talk without… _them_." Her voice drops into a low, ominous whisper. "We have to get rid of them, Annabeth. If they stay here… the things I've seen…" She takes a deep breath before uttering, "Doom and destruction upon us all!"

Yeah, this is a problem, all right.

"So it's just the two of us against all of… _them_?" Annabeth clarifies.

Rachel nods solemnly. "We can't trust anyone else. They've been around _them _too much. Percy and Nico and Will… even Chiron. You've been in San Francisco and I've been at Clarion, so we haven't been exposed as much as the others. The Sues won't come up here." Her fingers clasp Annabeth's arms so tightly that she can feel the circulation begin to cut off. "Please, Annabeth. We're the only people who can stop them."

Annabeth isn't the daughter of Athena for nothing. When you set out to beat the odds, you must first make sure that you can survive the odds beating you, and she's smart enough to know that even with the Oracle of Delphi on her side, she can't stand up against a flood of insane Mary Sues with theoretically impossible powers.

Despite herself, she says, "Okay, I'll help." It's better than just sitting back and doing nothing.

Rachel scoops up a few sheets of paper, sloppy words writing in uneven lines. "Jasmine Emerald Sapphire Starr," she announces. "Flowing chocolate brown hair, shimmering blue-green eyes, long legs, thin but with curves, and the ability to control water."

"Daughter of Poseidon?" Annabeth guesses. Once upon a time, this would be extremely unusual, but ever since the first Sues started showing up, it's gotten more and more common for a child of the Big Three to pop up here and there.

"Probably," Rachel says, shrugging. "I read the first three sentences of her story and nearly keeled over from the lack of punctuation and correct grammar."

Annabeth holds up another sheet of paper, squinting to read Rachel's extremely messy handwriting in the dim light. "Naomi Celeste, alleged daughter of Artemis, incredible archer, amazing tracker, warrior hottie… you're keeping files on them?"

Again with the throwing of hands into the air and the scattering of paper. "Well, what am I supposed to do? It's the only way I can keep them straight! I swear, they're all exactly the same!"

Rolling her eyes, Annabeth continues reading. "Silver-gold eyes, long auburn hair… _when she sings, even the birds stop to listen_. Isn't that plagiarism?"

"The author's words, not mine. If she can be _called _an author. That's practically the only legible sentence in the entire first chapter." Rachel stacks the files on her paint-splattered desk, finger running along the sloped lines. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Look, this is Nohealani-"

"_Nohealani_?"

"It means _beauty from heaven_. I think. Anyways, it says that she has, and I quote, _entrancing beauty_, one that _draws in and captures unwanted attention_. Hmm… she's nice, quiet, shy, with genius IQ and a 4.0 GPA even though she has dyslexia and ADHD. Once she came to Camp Half-Blood at the age of fifteen, since her godly parent 'forgot' her, she apparently _blossomed into the wonderful person she is today_. She's a strong and independent individual…" Rachel's forehead meets the desk with a loud _thunk_.

"So most of Camp Half-Blood is now made up of extremely good-looking young girls with incredible powers whose fatal flaws are almost always something along the lines of _too loyal _or _nice to everyone_," Annabeth observes. "They should have put _morbidly annoying_."

"She has _purple eyes_," Rachel moans.

"And they have the ability to make _all _characters around them extremely OOC to suit their own needs," Annabeth adds. "Including us."

"_Glimmering violet_, Annabeth."

"They're amazing fighters and yet gentle, kind, caring, understanding, and always beautiful- often likened to goddesses." Pausing to read a few more lines, she adds, "Aphrodite's not gonna like this."

Rachel pulls herself together long enough to lift her head from the table. "Notice how Drew's usually the slutty antagonist," she points out. "Always trying to steal the guy. Or me. Or you. In some cases, Thalia. And we're _always _OOC. I mean, really. Do I seem like the type to wait outside someone's cabin and plot murder on their _poor, innocent souls_?"

"Does it really say that?"

"We should take them to court," Rachel says. "I'm sure this is against the law somehow. I mean, we have _rights_, don't we?"

"We're fictional characters. Most of them seem to be either Nico's sister or his girlfriend," Annabeth continues. "And most of these stories involve some kind of backstabbing jealous bitch. This- _hey_! I never did that!"

"This is a daughter of Zeus who can control all four elements," Rachel says. "Adena Avani Aysu Anila. It means _fire, earth, water, wind_."

"Gods help us."

"Wait, no- the _long awaited plot twist_ is that she's actually a child of all of the Big Three and can also somehow control fire, too, even though she's not related to Hephaestus at all. I don't even want to _know _how that works."

"This girl's tears turn to diamonds. And she can control minds. Even though she hates doing it because she believes in the power of free will and… I can't read this." Annabeth crumples the paper into a ball and throws it off to the side. "Okay, then, that's settled. What are we going to do about it?"

Rachel shakes her head in despair. "I… I don't know."

"They're too strong together. We'll be overpowered." Master Strategist Annabeth folds her arms over her chest, thinking. "We'll have to weed them out, one by one."

"That'll take forever. Besides, this author isn't patient enough for that. Too many chapters."

"Well, we can select a few of them and put enough chapters out there to get the point across of What You Should Never Do Even If Your Life Depends On It. And then finish it up with a nice little life lesson. The author can just assassinate the rest of the Sues in their sleep. She'll have fun with that."

"But if we stay around them for too long, we'll go OOC, just like Nico and Percy."

At the sound of her boyfriend's name, Annabeth stands up, hands clenched into fists by her sides. "We have to save them," she snaps. "We can't let the Sues use them like this any longer. Give me a prophecy, Rachel, so we can do this officially."

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><p><strong>AN: I'm way too lazy to actually come up with a prophecy. Use your imaginations.**

**Review, please.**


	2. Chapter 2

_Amethyst Krystal sits, alone and lonely, on the edge of the docks, one graceful foot dangling into the water, staring out over the water. Her heavenly golden hair, the color of sunshine, blows behind her in the gentle breeze, and her limpid stormy gray eyes, the telltale sign of a daughter of Athena-_

The scene stops abruptly, as if someone hit the _pause _button on a universally controlling TV remote that was specially made by Hephaestus. (No, that's totally _not _what happened. People these days…)

"There is no way in Hades that girl is my sister."

"Half-sister," Rachel corrects. "Hopefully. What's with the _sunshine-colored hair_, anyways? And isn't 'limpid stormy eyes' a contradiction?"

Annabeth folds her arms, glaring at the frozen figure on the dock. "There is _no way _I'm related to her."

Rachel shrugs. "Well, let's see… I think I have a little bit on dear Amethyst here." Unfortunately, electronics are banned here at Camp Half-Blood, and she isn't exactly the most organized person. It takes her about three minutes of fishing around in an overflowing briefcase before she manages to find a couple pages, looking a little worse for wear, on the wonderful Amethyst Krystal. "Let's see. She comes from an underprivileged background with a father and stepmother who beat her horribly-"

"My mother's the goddess of wisdom. She wouldn't have left her child with anyone who would've done that."

Rachel waves her hand in the air. "Shh. Her parents abused her but she never let it get her down, and she never had any friends but always hung around with a core group of people who loved and admired her more than anyone in the world-"

"In other words, friends."

"Or stalkers," Rachel adds helpfully.

"So these, eh, Mary Sue authors tend to contradict themselves a lot," Annabeth notes. She lifts the remote (it's totally nonexistent, you know) and presses PLAY.

_-show the sheer volume of her loneliness, for Amethyst is truly alone in the world. Yes, she has a few friends who would give their lives for her because they realize what a truly unique and important demigod she is, but she is still alone. Completely alone, with no one to turn to._

_At the sound of quiet footsteps, she turns to see Percy Jackson, son of Poseidon, hurrying towards her. Her beautiful face lights up when she sees him, her perfect other half._

Annabeth nearly chokes. On air. "You wanna run that by me again?" (Only in the presence of a Mary Sue will she ever utter the word _wanna_. Or… non-word. You get the point.)

"_Percy!" she calls, in a voice as sweet as wind chimes and birdsong. He runs into her arms, and the two share a sweet, tender embrace. "Oh, Amethyst," he sighs, "it's been so long since I've seen you!" "Two hours, at least," Amethyst agrees, smiling a shy yet daring smile, which completely defines her wonderful, incredible personality._

PAUSE

"Here's a tip, kids. Every time someone speaks, it's a new paragraph. If you lump it all together, you get-"

"WHAT THE HADES WAS THAT?"

Rachel nods approvingly. "Thank you, Annabeth. My thoughts exactly."

"Percy is _my _boyfriend! Mine! I don't care how OOC she makes him, he's _mine_!"

"And if your best description of your character's personality is 'shy yet daring,' I worry for your sanity."

"Rachel-"

"We need to prove a point here, Annabeth. Well, the author does, and she's doing it at our expense. So shut up and let's watch this… this crime against the world of fanfiction. Against literature in general. Against the world, maybe."

PLAY

"_Alas, Percy… our love can never be!" she cries, throwing one delicate hand in the air. "My mother is Athena, your father is Poseidon… we're forbidden, a modern Romeo and Juliet! The immortal blood flowing in our veins prevents anything between us!"_

"Who actually talks like that?" Rachel demands. "I mean, I get that she's an Athena kid and all, but…"

"_Amethyst," Percy whispers. "Amethyst, darling, what are you saying?"_

"_And my sister!" Amethyst wails tragically, so much that the sky itself begins to weep with her, though no glistening raindrop could compare to the beauty of her tears. "Oh, my sister, Annabeth! She's my best friend, my only true friend, besides all of the others- but I'm betraying her, seeing you like this, so soon after the two of you separated!"_

"Separated? Excuse me?"

"_It's all right," Percy says soothingly. "Annabeth doesn't suspect a thing. We're far too secretive, my dear, and you're so beautiful and smart- smarter than anyone, maybe even Athena herself."_

_Though talking like this would usually result in the goddess flash frying the demigod, or at the very least a telltale rumble in the sky, Athena does not object, because she agrees with Percy Jackson, and knows that her daughter's forbidden love for the son of Poseidon must not be trifled with._

"_Oh, but I'm such a kind, fragile person, so wonderfully kind, so amazingly kind, that I can't stand not telling her! She's my sister, and I love her so, even though she's a complete jealous bitch who can't stand the thought of me happy, and she's so petty and stupid and-"_

"**EXCUSE ME?**"

"Shh," Rachel reprimands. "I wanna see the end of this."

"Give me that damn remote!"

"What? No!"

"Give it to me!"

"NO!"

"_I agree," Percy sighs. "With you, of course. I'll always agree with you, until the end of my life, because who am I but a lowly child of the Big Three, while you are an amazingly intelligent daughter of Athena?"_

_Amethyst blushes an adorably perfect shade of cherry blossom pink. "You're giving me too much credit," she murmurs, lovely and gorgeous. "And I'm not always right, Percy. I'm just never wrong- I don't mean to offend you, but there is a difference, and you're flattering me too severely, as you know I hate attention, except for when I'm singing or acting or showing one of my incredible talents."_

"_You're so modest, Wise Girl-"_

"GIVE. ME. THE. REMOTE."

"Did he seriously just call her Wise Girl? Isn't that-"

"DAMN IT, RACHEL!"

(And, yes, capital letters are required for a time like this. Absolutely, one hundred percent necessary.)

_The two lean towards each other, a single, diamond-like tear tracing down Amethyst's perfect cheek. "I love you," she whispers, her angelic voice trembling in the most fragile of ways, for Amethyst is truly the most fragile and delicate of demigods, one that is purely capable of taking care of herself, but also requires the attention and utmost care of the one entrusted with the gift of her love._

"_And I-"_

PAUSE

"Well," Rachel says brightly, "that was interesting."

Annabeth glares bloody murder at her, clutching the remote in one hand.

"So what did we learn today?" Rachel prompts.

"That I need to go commit a few dozen justifiable homicides."

"Besides that."

"That the presence of Mary Sues automatically infects existing canon characters with the disease known as _OOC_," Annabeth replies through gritted teeth. "Because any sane person would run away screaming at the sight of one of them."

"And," Rachel continues, "the authors describe everything about them in nauseating detail. And repeat themselves. Over and over and-"

"All right, hon," a new voice says, "but how the hell do we get _rid _of them?"

Drew walks towards the other two, dressed in skintight leggings that look like they've been painted on and a midriff-baring top that might possibly be constricting her breathing. Her makeup is a little too heavy; glittering pink eyeshadow up to her eyebrows, eyeliner as thick as a crayon, and way too much dark red lipstick. The total effect is more _hooker _than _slut_, and it's obvious by her expression that she's none too happy about it.

"I mean, _seriously_? Look what they _dressed _me in. Please, girl, I'm not _this _bad."

"Hey, Drew," Rachel says. "Thought you'd have gone over to the dark side by now."

"Nah, cookies aren't really my thing, if you know what I mean." She winks, gesturing down to her ridiculous outfit. "But I _am _OOC. I mean, they're making me out to be some complete bitch, if you'll excuse my French. And just _look _at me."

"I'm trying not to."

Annabeth stamps her foot. Yes, really. As previously stated, the effect of Mary Sues is imminent OOC-ness, and even frozen, this one apparently affects a great area. (Yeah, that's not a good thing.) "No, really, how do we kill her?"

"She's a daughter of Athena, right?" Drew asks, leaning back against an imaginary wall.

"Well, yeah," Rachel says.

"Unfortunately," Annabeth adds.

"Can children of Athena swim?"

"Not generally, but she's a Mary Sue," Annabeth points out. "She doesn't have any weaknesses."

"We could push her in anyways," Rachel suggests. "Just walk up behind her and-"

"Or we could beat her to death with the remote," Drew offers. "I mean, I'm sure that's why the author made it and everything. She's not actually smart enough to come up with a genuine way to get rid of a Sue, probably because _they never effing die._"

"I say we push her through one of the plot holes."

"Or into the water."

"Or we could just, you know, stab her or something."

Drew leans over and snatches the magic remote out of Annabeth's hand. "I'll go beat her to death with this," she says. "You two go deal with that daughter of Artemis over there. Write some kind of Guide to Not Making a Sue or something."

One down, several million to go.

This is gonna take a while.

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><p><strong>AN: Thank you to all you reviewers out there! You guys rock!**

**(And yes, there will be a Guide to Not Making a Sue. Maybe. I think if you just take this fic as What Not To Do, you should be all set.)**

**If you have a request, drop a review! Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

_Naomi Celeste is a mystical being. The fact that her immortal parent is Artemis, virgin goddess of the hunt, only adds to her aura of forbidden beauty._

Let's pretend that that last sentence doesn't make any good fanfiction writer want to tear his or her eyes out and beg for the brain bleach. Nothing quite screams _Sue _like awarding your character an "aura of forbidden beauty," and… well, it just doesn't make sense. How exactly is beauty _forbidden_?

"All right, that's going to the list," Rachel mumbles. "Numero uno; no auras of forbidden beauty. For that matter, no forbidden beauty in general. It's just creepy."

Annabeth snatches the somewhat-professional-looking clipboard away from Rachel. "No one can read your handwriting," she reminds the other girl. "I'll write. And, unfortunately, Drew's still beating my half sister to death with the remote, so we're going to have to suffer through this fictional character's monologue about how horribly, beautifully tragic her life is." She hesitates, blinking in surprise at her own words. "And that might be the strangest thing I've ever said."

"Really? That's sad."

Naomi Celeste- it is required that we call her by her full name to ensure that everyone realizes what a special, unique, forbidden snowflake she really is- rises to her feet, momentarily exiting the realm of italics, and gives the two girls a questioning look. Of course, as the forbidden daughter of Artemis-

"Enough with the _forbidden _already," Rachel groans.

-she is far too mystically sophisticated to actually voice her curiosity.

_NUMBER TWO_, Annabeth writes. _If you use the same adjective to describe your character fifty times in two paragraphs, that's probably a bad sign._

"Hello!" Rachel says brightly, flashing a smile.

"Rachel!" Annabeth hisses.

"What? I'm just being friendly!"

"To a _Mary Sue_?"

"Boring, repetitive, unfortunately cliché perfection is no excuse to be rude, Annabeth," Rachel scolds. "They're fictional characters, too, no matter how cookie-cutter and one-dimensional they might be." She taps one finger against her chin, eyes turned upwards towards the heavens. "After all, it's the fault of the authors, which makes one wonder why we're wasting our times killing off the _Sues _instead of their _creators_."

"Because that's called _murder_," Annabeth explains patiently. "And it's pretty illegal."

"Pity."

"Excuse me," Naomi Celeste murmurs, her voice like wind chimes and beautiful music.

_NUMBER THREE: Don't acknowledge your character's melodious voice every time she speaks. Actually, no melodious voices in general. Seriously, people. What have you been smoking?_

"I can't help but notice," she continues, "that you're speaking about me."

"Well, Nancy- can I call you Nancy?"

"Nancy?" Annabeth echoes.

"Naomi Celeste, NC, Nancy," Rachel explains. "Listen, Nancy… I don't know how to say this." She looks like a doctor about to tell a patient about their incurable cancer. Really. It's quite tragic. "I… well, _you're _a Mary Sue." She rests on hand comfortingly on the demigod's arm. "It's not your fault, it's your author's, but we're going to have to kill you anyways."

That last part might not have been so smart, because Annabeth has no doubt that "Nancy" has a few Mist-concealed weapons, and since she's supposed to be one of the best archers to ever grace the planet- well, besides all the other Sues, who mostly have the same claim to fame- Annabeth isn't too thrilled about Rachel potentially pissing her off. Of course, this is where the overall perfection of Nancy's personality comes into play, because part of her description is "always keeps her cool, never lets her emotions get to her."

Well, thank Zeus for that.

"I am _not _a Mary Sue," Nancy demurs. "And my name isn't Nancy, it's Naomi Celeste."

"Yeah, well, that's kind of a mouthful," Rachel points out. "Nancy is just so much easier, don't you think?"

"I am _not _a Mary Sue," Nancy repeats, as if Rachel hasn't even spoken, "because I am flawed. I have ADHD and dyslexia. As Artemis's only daughter, I'm cursed to be an eternal maiden. My beauty is my curse as well, because forbidden as I am, it won't do me well to attract attention to myself."

_NUMBER FOUR: Beauty is not a flaw. Ever. If you count it as such, you deserve to be slapped repeatedly with a dead fish._

"A dead fish?" Rachel mutters, reading over Annabeth's shoulder. "Really?"

Rolling her eyes, Annabeth turns her attention to Nancy, who is obviously the main problem at the moment. "ADHD and dyslexia," she repeats slowly. "And yet you're perfectly calm and composed, and you have no problem reading English, Ancient Greek, or Latin, apparently."

Nancy frowns. "I… well, I…"

"You can't be Artemis's only daughter," Annabeth continues. "For one, there are at least fifty of them running around here somewhere. And besides, Artemis is one of the virgin goddesses, and out of all of them, only Athena can produce children. So it's technically impossible that you even exist."

"No," Nancy objects faintly. "No, it's… I mean…"

"You have _no _flaws," Annabeth accuses. "You apparently sing amazingly, too. And you're beautiful. And everyone loves you. Do you even _have _a fatal flaw, or are you too 'mystical' for that?"

"As for the _eternal maiden _thing, well, you're certainly not doing a great job of keeping _that_," Rachel jumps in. "I mean, aren't you dating Will Solace?" Along with about a hundred other girls, that is. "And he's Apollo's son. And you're Artemis's daughter. I mean, I get the whole 'no DNA' thing the gods have going on, but _seriously_? Ick. Not to mention your_ eyes_. Who the Hades has _silver-gold _eyes?"

Annabeth nods approvingly. "Like I said. Technically impos-"

_POOF!_

Rachel shrieks and Annabeth leaps backwards in surprise as the daughter of Artemis explodes into a fine silver dust. Gone. No long auburn hair or weird eyes. Just dust.

"Huh. Um, interesting."

Rachel's green eyes are wide, but with curiosity, not fear. "Did we just… kill her with logic?"

"I think so." The dust begins to melt back into the ground in the exact same way it does when you kill a monster. There's probably some kind of hidden symbolism behind that. Just as an observation, Annabeth writes in the margins of the paper, _Mary Sues appear to be deathly allergic to logic and all other forms of reality._

"So instead of, like, beating them to death with a remote, we just…"

"Yeah."

"Huh."

"Hmm."

"That's so cool."

"Isn't it?"

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><p><strong>AN: Sorry for the short-ish chapter. Next one will be longer, I promise.**

**Thank you so much for all the reviews! I'm so glad you like this story!**

**Next: Bethany Elizabeth Kimberly Emily Felicity Camille 'LightningBoltOfAwesomeness' Appalachian Slovakia Lovelace, suggested by Anquitil. I am having _way _too much fun with this.**

******Review please!**


	4. Chapter 4

Bethany Elizabeth Kimberly Emily Felicity Camille "LightningBoltOfAwesomeness" Appalachia Slovakia Lovelace is a quiet, dreamy girl- unless she's happy, cheerful, and vocal. She has heavenly golden curls, unless her hair is straight and black as night or slightly wavy and chocolate brown. Her eyes change colors depending on her mood, which is, strangely, the only detail in her story that actually stays the same. She has an incredible singing voice and her fatal flaw is a crippling fear of spiders, though of course she doesn't actually encounter any spiders in her life, except for that one time but then they mysteriously disappear so it's all good.

Her godly parent- well, that's a conundrum within itself. You see, on her first day at camp, Bethany Elizabeth Kimberly so-on-and-so-forth Slovakia Lovelace is claimed by Hera, Hades, Zeus, Poseidon, and Artemis, and rumored to be descended from Dionysus, Aphrodite, Persephone, and Kronos.

Try mapping the DNA for _that _crime scene.

Her wonderful skills include raising the dead, mind control, telepathy, telekinesis, pyrokinesis, the ability to control water, legendary archery skills, incredible beauty that entrances everyone she meets, and who the Hades knows what else. If her extremely talented creator forgot something, she'll just tack it on sometime in the story! No harm done!

Bethany is something we like to call the Beautiful Utopian Lovely Legendary Spectacular Heavenly Interesting Tranquility, otherwise known as BULLSHIT.

_NUMBER FIVE: Do not commit BULLSHIT_, Annabeth writes.

Considering the fact that BS Bethany's description can't stay the same for more than two paragraphs, it shouldn't be too hard to annihilate her with the Evil Pit Monster known as Logic, but let's take a moment for our fearless heroines to belittle her and mock anyone who dares to even _consider _making a "character" like this. And, at the same time, we can add ten or more rules to our List of Fanfiction OC Commandments.

"If you change your story twice a chapter," Rachel says, "you should be legally prohibited from writing."

_NUMBER SIX: Pick a story and stick to it. Plot twists are okay, as long as the reader can look back and say, "Oh, I see what you did there." Randomly announcing that your Percy Jackson Sue is the daughter of Voldemort doesn't count as anything other than COMPLETE BULLSHIT. (See #5)_

"Of course," Annabeth says, "the _worst _offenders are the ones who give their darling Sue a pack of nauseatingly perfect friends whose sole purposes are to show what a lovely person the main 'character' is."

As if to prove her point, a small girl, petite but with boobs that leave any straight guy (and even some gay ones, because this Sue's attractiveness defies sexual orientation) skips up to Bethany, who is sitting by the docks. (The docks seem to be a popular hangout for Sues these days. Rachel found a puddle of blood and dust to suggest Drew honestly managed to beat Amethyst to death with the remote.)

Of course, next to Bethany, this new Extremely Weirdly Attractive Sue looks like a dead animal left out to rot in the sun, description courtesy of the esteemed Oracle of Delphi.

_NUMBER SEVEN: If your character's friends exist only to make your character look good, you're doing it wrong._

"Oh, Bethany!" New Sue sobs, throwing her arms around her friend. Bethany's eyes are wide and golden, showing her deep concern for her friend, and both ignore Rachel Elizabeth Dare gagging in the background and grumbling, "They're going to destroy the world, I just _know _it."

"What is it, Janice?" Bethany asks, and the theoretical readers groan at the name that is not nearly as beautiful as _Bethany [insert a bunch of random shit here] Lovelace._

"I think Janice is a pretty name," Rachel objects.

"I have a problem," Janice wails, her tears turning to crystals (because only Bethany is special enough to have tears that turn to diamonds, along with a million other Sues) and falling to the rough wood of the weather-beaten docks.

_NUMBER EIGHT: If you try to use in-depth descriptions and analogies to disguise the fact that there's no plot to speak of, you're still doing it wrong._

"And," Janice continues, "you're the only one pretty and special and smart enough to figure this out for me. I even asked Annabeth, that know-it-all, and-"

"_Know-it-all_?" Annabeth shrieks.

"Mary Sues hate you," Rachel reminds her. "In case you've forgotten."

"Don't call her a know-it-all," Bethany chastises. "It's not kind, you know, and it's every girl's duty to be kind, including and except for me, because I can be a sarcastic little witch when I want to, but that's okay because everyone loves me anyways and admires my quick wit, not that they know about my hidden hopes and dreams, because I'm so thoughtfully quiet all the time, and no one really cares about me, except for you and several million others, but I'm so hopelessly alone. But it's okay, because I'm strong and fragile and did I mention that I'm kind?"

_NUMBER NINE: Don't do that._

"Isn't that a form of Mary Suicide?" Rachel asks.

"Probably. I'm surprised she doesn't explode right here."

"Besides," Bethany adds, "Annabeth's standing right there, Janice, and even though she hates me for reasons unknown and will therefore die a cruel and unusual death someday, I'm kind enough to tell you that you should _still _be nice to her, however much you want to rip her throat out."

"I'd like to see you _try_," Annabeth snarls.

"You know, I really don't think you do. Those Sues are _freaky_," Rachel says. She leans back, folding her arms and grinning. "You know, maybe if we wait, she really _will _kill herself."

"If we wait too much longer, we're going to go OOC and die."

"That's a bit melodramatic."

"No, it's not. I think Thalia's died about fifty times now."

Janice gasps loudly, her hand over her heart, gasping out a high-pitched "_Oh_!"

Tears spring to Bethany's eyes. Apparently, she's playing up the "delicate and fragile heroine" act at the moment. In about ten seconds, she'll probably be the kind of strong, admirable up-in-your-face, I-don't-take-shit-from-anyone girl who would most likely be arrested in five seconds flat. But she can't be arrested. She's too smart and cunning for that to happen. But not sneaky, except for when she is, but then she's always perfectly justified.

_NUMBER TEN: If your Sue seems to have a case of severe multiple personality disorder, kill it with fire._

"Don't speak her name," Bethany begs.

"Who?" Rachel asks, confused. "Thalia?"

"Please!" Janice shrieks. "Don't!"

Looking pained, Bethany whispers, "I'm begging you, Annabeth, Rachel. If you truly have any compassion left in your souls…"

"I'm gonna go round up a few dozen daughters of Hecate," Rachel grumbles. "Turn her into the toad that she is."

Acting as if she hasn't even heard, Bethany plows on, diamond tears falling from her rosy cheeks. "Thalia," she continues, "is among the cruel girls who relentlessly torment me for no reason! She stayed here at camp instead of following Artemis just to make my life miserable!"

"_Thalia_? No offense, sweetheart, but I doubt she'd even bother."

Offended, Janice snaps, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Shut it, princess," Rachel snaps. "You're just a cookie-cutter character, anyways. Totally 2D. Don't you have anything better to do than back up your precious Bethany?"

_POOF!_

"Those two-dimensionals," Annabeth observes. "They just make it so _easy_."

Unfortunately, Bethany is such a mega-Sue that Annabeth can _feel _the OOCness creeping up on her. It goes something like this; first you feel lightheaded, then a little woozy, and suddenly there's something in your head- not a voice, but just _something_ saying "You should do this, you should say this, you should act like this, you should be a total bitch because it'll be convenient for this story."

Forget asking the Hecate kids to turn the Sues into toads. Annabeth and Rachel need charms protecting them from this horrible, highly contagious disease.

"You… what did you do to Janice?" Bethany yells, lunging forward to get right up in their faces like and admirable- well, you get the picture.

"_Oh_! I _so _called that one!"

"You're the Oracle of Delphi," Annabeth reminds her. "It doesn't count."

"You killed her! You killed my only friend!" Bethany accuses.

Rachel slaps her. Yes, actually _slaps _a Mary Sue. And Annabeth honestly can't tell whether it's because of Bethany's OOC effects or if Rachel's just completely fed up with her BULLSHIT. Maybe both. Rachel's the type of person who utters terrible prophecies as a form of revenge, after all.

Gasping in shock, Bethany stumbles backward and once again makes the transition into helpless victim. Maybe her list of names symbolizes all her separate personalities and appearances to match. Tears spring to the blonde/brunette/ginger girl's eyes, and she wails in a tragically melodious voice, "Why? Why, oh, _why _do you do this to me? Why am I not-"

A silver arrow pierces Bethany's body right above her heart, sinking up to the shaft in her skin. Her generous, uh, _chest area _does absolutely nothing to stop the blow. Blood spurts gruesomely from the mortal wound, but somehow, Bethany manages to look beautiful even while _dying_, which really should be illegal.

And, of course, she explodes. Into beautiful dust.

Annabeth turns to see Thalia Grace, daughter of Zeus, lieutenant of the Hunters, standing with a quiver of silver arrows slung across her back, a delicate-looking bow decorated with hand-drawn Sharpie skulls in one hand.

"I've been seeing a lot of these guys lately," Thalia informs them. "Phoebe must be putting LSD in the spaghetti."

"How did you do that?" Annabeth asks. A weapon other than Logic killing a Sue? Well, Drew managed to put Amethyst six feet under with only a remote (with mythological powers, but a remote nonetheless), but then again, one should never underestimate the power of a severely pissed off daughter of Aphrodite.

Thalia shrugs. "Lady Artemis had them specially made when a bunch of her 'daughters' started springing up. We've got more Sues trying to join every day. And I swear to Zeus, _every _one of them thinks that they can _bend the rules _and date whoever they want." She pauses, frowning. "I thought I saw Drew a little while ago… holding a bloody TV remote?"

"Um, yeah," Annabeth begins awkwardly. "About that."

"I gave Annabeth a prophecy," Rachel reports. "And now we're trying to rid Camp Half-Blood of Mary Sues. Care to join us?"

Thalia shakes her head. "Can't. Lady Artemis _barely _agreed to let me come back here, but I told her that I _had _to wipe out a few dozen of her 'daughters.' To protect her reputation, of course. But I have to leave tomorrow night and I think you've already had a chapter for daughters of Artemis, right?"

"Yeah."

"Good luck, then." Jerking her thumb back over her shoulder, she adds, "If you're looking for Nico, he's back there being mobbed by Sues."

Rachel and Annabeth exchange glances. "Should we save him?" Rachel asks.

"I think we'd be horrible friends if we didn't," Annabeth sighs.

"Good luck," Thalia repeats.

"Thanks. We'll need it."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Hmm, not too proud of this chapter, for some reason. Oh well.**

**If you guys want to suggest/submit a Mary Sue, by all means, go ahead. Next chapter will deal with multiple of them interacting together, and not in the friend/BULLSHIT way of this chapter. I would say to make your character original, but... well, they're Mary Sues. I don't think it's possible for them to be original.  
><strong>

**This is probably the only chapter that Thalia will be in, but I'll probably bring Drew back and maybe Clarisse. Review please! Sorry for the wait for this chapter! I don't even have an excuse beside chronic laziness. It's quite sad, really.  
><strong>

**I do not own Percy Jackson and the Olympians.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I'm not dead after all. Awesome.**

**So it was brought to my attention that this is shaping up like a submit-your-OC (Sue) story, which wasn't really my intention at all. No more submissions, please. But I promise that I'll get around to murdering all of your characters sooner or later.**

**Also: I do not like Piper. I think that she has the potential to be a good character, but at the moment, she's a bit of a Mary Sue. Don't believe me? Go read her freaking description on the wiki. I'm not sure how Riordan's editor overlooked this **_**major **_**problem, no sarcasm. And, yes, I know that she's completely OOC in this chapter. It's called **_**proving a point.**_** Perfect!Piper isn't that much of an exaggeration, though… **

**There might be some errors in this, by the way, because I kind of skimmed over most of **_**The Lost Hero**_**, so I'm not entirely sure what happened. But the only character I like from that book is Leo, because he's just freaking awesome.**

**FACT: Charmspeaking makes you OOC. It's official, guys. Wynter Sora has spoken.**

**Oh, and by the way- thumbs up if you get the tiny little **_**Maximum Ride **_**reference in this chapter. It's there, if you squint your eyes and tilt you head and look at it six ways from Sunday.**

**Anyways, enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

><p>First stop; the Hecate cabin, because gods know they won't be able to take down an army of Sues intent on swapping spit with a certain son of Hades without <em>some <em>kind of magical thingamajig.

Of course, Annabeth and Rachel don't make it more than three steps towards the cabin before a nauseatingly beautiful daughter of Aphrodite jogs gracefully up to them.

This particular girl is nothing like other children of the love goddess. She's gorgeous, but doesn't use it to her advantage (except for when she does, but then it's totally justified); she tried to change her appearance because she was embarrassed by the attention; she can charmspeak, but she only uses that when justified, too; she is always right, and always attracts the opposite gender; she makes friends with the most unlikely of demigods…

"Piper," Annabeth sighs, exasperated. "Shouldn't you be with the pack of Sues drooling over Jason?"

The daughter of Aphrodite waves one hand dismissively. "He'll choose me in the end anyways. I mean, we had _months _of fake memories together! He can't ignore that, right?"

"Great," Rachel grumbles. "Can we just kill her already?"

Before Annabeth can answer, Piper's eyes narrow in heroic annoyance. "You're not allowed to," she informs them. "This author won't tolerate killing of canon characters, no matter how annoying they are. It's bad for business, takes too long, and upsets the fans."

Rachel and Annabeth exchange glances. "Unfortunately, she's right," Annabeth admits. "We're not allowed to kill her. Or Jason, for that matter."

"Damn."

"Anyways," Piper continues, "I need your help. Jason likes me, of course, even though I'm too modest to admit it, but there are all those other girls… I mean, this is worse than _Reyna_, who I'm not supposed to know about yet."

"_Damn_," Rachel repeats. "Do we really have to take her with us?"

"I'll just charmspeak you into letting me come," Piper threatens. "This is important, you know. Very, very important, which is why I said I'd charmspeak you, because otherwise I'd never do that, you know? Because it's bad and I'm not Drew. Drew's such a bratty slut. It's okay for me to say that because everyone says it."

"Jesus Christ, I think she OOC'd herself."

"Piper," Annabeth begins patiently, "it would be hypocritical of us to let you live while we're going around killing the other Sues. And since we can't _technically _kill you, it would be better if you'd just leave and we can forget we ever saw you, okay?"

Piper crosses her arms over her chest. "I'm coming with you. See how bravely, reasonably stubborn I am?"

"Jesus _Christ_."

"We're not Christian, Rachel."

"I know."

Sighing for the millionth time, Annabeth considers her options- but really, Piper's right. They can't kill her, and while she isn't sure how much effect charmspeaking will have on them, she really doesn't want to take the chance and risk becoming permanently OOC. Besides, Piper's the daughter of Aphrodite. Maybe she can explain why Percy is suddenly so attracted to all these Sues, and why he's forgotten that Annabeth, his _girlfriend_, even exists.

The three of them start towards the Hecate cabin again, Annabeth crossing her fingers that Rachel will foresee some way to get rid of Piper before they both spontaneously combust.

Most of the Hecate children have been busy lately either making potions and casting spells by request of the hundreds of Sues pouring into Camp Half-Blood or wandering around like mindless zombies, a fate that has unfortunately befallen many demigods. As children of a minor goddess, they're usually overlooked by authors unless their magic skills can serve their delightful Mary Sue.

In fact, when Annabeth eases open the door- surprising a Hecate kid usually results in being temporarily turned into a toad- there's only one girl inside, standing beside her bunk with her back to them, mumbling incoherent words. That's normal for them, though, so Annabeth isn't very worried.

At least, she isn't worried until Rachel draws in a sudden breath and hisses, "_Mary Sue_!"

The girl spins around, eyes widening in- fear? No, of course not. Sues are never afraid, or if they are, they never show it. Except for when they do, but that's always around their love interest so they can be comforted in the arms of their soulmate.

_NUMBER ELEVEN: Your character's life should not revolve around their schoolgirl crush, and breaking down into tears never looks beautiful. Ever._

"Maxine Isabelle Oliviana!" Rachel practically shrieks. "She's a Sue, Annabeth! She-"

"I'm not!" the girl denies hurriedly, most likely sensing that her life is on the line here. "I mean, I _was_, but I'm not anymore!"

Annabeth shakes her head. She's heard this a million times before, Sues denying that they're anything less than original, despite all the evidence to the contrary. You can't trust Sues- for all their perfection, they'll say anything to save themselves. "Once a Sue, always a Sue," she reminds the girl. "I'm sorry, Maxine, but-"

"That's not my name! I changed it! I changed _everything_!" Taking a deep breath, the girl motions them over towards her. "Here, look at this. I've been working on it all night, ever since that Hunter girl shot Silveria." Looking at Annabeth with desperate, pleading eyes, she adds, "I know I'm a Sue. I mean, I _was _a Sue. But I rewrote my character bio. I'm _different _now."

Annabeth frowns, confused- and as a daughter of Athena, she's _never _confused. A Sue _rewriting _herself? How is that possible? The authors never admit that their characters are Sues, but… this daughter of Hecate claimed that _she _redid the bio. It could be done, she realizes, but it would take quite an admirable force of will.

"My name's Maya," the girl says. "Not Maxine Isabelle Oliviana. Maya Greene. And, I mean- _look _at this description. I changed 'delicious chocolate-colored locks' to 'dark brown hair' and 'bright, piercing emerald orbs' to 'green eyes.' And now I have this really weird-looking scar on my-"

"_Please _don't finish that sentence," Rachel groans.

Still suspicious, Annabeth asks, "What's your fatal flaw?"

"Overestimating myself," Maya replies. "And I don't have many friends because I'm not a social person, not because I'm so tragically misunderstood. _And _not every guy in the universe falls down at my feet." Catching their dubious expressions, she insists, "I have a personality, I _swear_."

"Interesting," Rachel muses. "Wonder if I can paint something… call it _The Transformation_- no, that's too bland, how about _Escaping Your Disgusting Sue Self-_"

"Rachel."

"Sorry."

"Okay," Annabeth decides. "We'll let you go. We, uh, need something, by the way. We're Nico's friends, and-"

"Nico?" Maya interrupts. "Nico di Angelo? Son of-" She cuts off abruptly, shaking her head and muttering something that sounds like "No, cut that shit _out_."

Rachel sighs heavily. "Oh, don't tell me you're one of _those_."

"_Was _one of those," Maya corrects. "I mean, he's like… thirteen or something, right? And I'm somewhere around sixteen. That's just… gross." Shrugging, she says, "Old habits die hard, I guess. You need something to kill his Sues?"

"Can you get us something?"

"Nope. Wait, yeah- I think Sadie has something. She'll _kill _me if she finds out I gave it to you, but…" Maya turns and strides over to another bunk, dragging something out from beneath it- a purple backpack. Unzipping one of the pockets, she grabs something in a Ziploc baggie and tosses it towards Annabeth. "My sisters cooked it up when the Sues started coming in, but they never got around to trying it out. It's an anti-OOC charm- you're probably gonna need it."

Tucking the baggie into her back pocket, Annabeth asks, "You do realize that this makes you a supporting character at best?"

"Well, yeah, but I can live with that. Who knows, I might get a _good _author to write my story someday."

"Keep working on that personality," Rachel suggests cheerfully. "Good luck."

"Oh, don't worry. I have a charm for that…"

* * *

><p>As they draw closer to the mob of impossibly gorgeous and talented girls chanting "NICO, NICO, NICO!", Annabeth begins to have second thoughts about this. She held up the sky, braved the Labyrinth, and fought a Titan army, but she's also the daughter of Athena, and her survival instinct is kind of screaming at her right now.<p>

"Pathetic," Piper decides. "I may not be a heartbreaker daughter of Aphrodite, but-"

"Piper?" Rachel says politely. "Shut the hell up, please."

"NICO, NICO, NICO!"

"Yeah, that's not creepy at _all_," Rachel grumbles.

_Why do they act like that? _Annabeth wonders. _Like all they can think about is him. Even when I was all wrapped up in Percy, I didn't-_

_Oh. Percy. Right._

"Piper, you're Aphrodite's daughter, right? I mean… you know all about love." She almost adds _and stuff_, but smart people just don't do that.

"You're worried about Percy," Piper guesses. Right, as usual. Because she's _always _right. "Don't be. I mean, sure, it's kind of rough for you right now, but that's just because Mary Sues make people go all OOC. I'm sure that he'll be back to his world-saving self in no time."

Pause. "You know, Piper, for a Sue, you're not so bad."

"NICO, NICO, NICO!"

"Okay, so we've established that Percy loves Annabeth and Piper's not the worst Sue in the world," Rachel grumbles, "but can we _please _focus on Nico? I mean, he's who we're _here _for, right?"

"No," Annabeth says. "We're here to kill Mary Sues." For some reason, this seems to upset Piper- maybe because she doesn't particularly enjoy the prospect of someone killing off her kindred spirits. Soul sisters and all that.

The trio starts forward towards the mob, Annabeth taking the charm out of her pocket and clutching it tightly in one hand. Her celestial bronze knife won't do any good against these monsters, and she doesn't know if she can use Logic to kill them all off. Not for the first time, she doubts if they'll really be able to take them all out. There are just so _many _of them, and they all have impossibly unrealistic powers, and Maya admitted that she wasn't sure if the charm would work…

A girl with flowing strawberry-tinted gold hair flounces gracefully past, her eyes glittering in the sunlight. Annabeth's met her before- Myracle Precious Jemstone, a daughter of Aphrodite and Ares who is somehow a demigod. Something to do with a potion, if she remembers correctly. It's kind of hard to forget, actually, because Myracle won't stop complaining about her horrible life for five seconds. And yet no one else seems the least bit annoyed by this. Oh, right, and _Percy _hit on her, too, though it looks like the little b- witch has moved on to Nico now.

Rachel's eyes narrow, and Annabeth remembers that Myracle also somehow has the power of prophecy and gave a quest in which she led and took five friends and all of them survived.

Leaning towards Annabeth, Piper whispers, "I thought she was in love with Connor Stoll?"

"Who the Hades knows with these things?" Rachel snaps. Her face brightens with interest, and she points to another girl, whose long, curly brown and black hair tumbles down her back in perfectly cascading ringlets. She turns slightly towards them, her eyes changing from purple to pink to silver to blue and back again in the space of a few seconds. "Isn't that a daughter of Hera? Does Hera even _have _any children?"

"Right, the I-have-no-friends girl. Except everyone at camp loves her."

A girl dressed entirely in black with ripped-up jeans and a "bad girl" attitude, who also looks suspiciously like Thalia- except her eyes are an even brighter blue, her hair a deeper black, her skin a more flawless creamy pale- storms towards them, looking like she's about to blast them to bits, but is intercepted by "Percy's twin sister", and the two proceed to engage in a fistfight to determine who is more worthy of Nico's love.

_Kill me now._

"SAVE ME FROM MY EVIL BROTHER AND STEPSISTER, NICO!" Hera's daughter yells.

"NO! SAVE ME! MY BACKSTORY IS DESIGNED TO BE TRAGIC SO THAT PEOPLE WILL TAKE PITY ON ME!" screams another.

"I LOVE YOU!"

"I LOVE YOU MORE!"

"PICK ME, PICK ME!"

Thalia's sister glances up for long enough to shout "NICO, WE UNDERSTAAAAAAND EACH OTHER!" and promptly takes a fist to the jaw, courtesy of Percy's "sister."

Rachel tugs on Annabeth's sleeve, grinning like this is the most hilarious thing she's seen in years. "Gods, I _have _to paint this," she laughs. "Of all the times to forget my sketchbook- hey, Piper, whataya say about using your Sue powers to conjure something for me? Because you guys are _always _prepared, right?"

Piper frowns. "I'm not a _Mega _Sue, Rachel. I'm just _a little on the Sue side_. So, basically, there's hope for me yet- I'm pleading temporary insanity due to poor character development."

"I LOVE YOU, NICO! AND PERCY AND WILL AND CONNOR AND TRAVIS AND LUKE, BUT MOSTLY YOU!"

"WE'RE MEANT TO BEEEEEEEE!"

Annabeth grabs her knife, prepared to do battle. "Okay, guys, here's the plan. We fight our way in to Nico, and then we start picking them off, okay? I think that the 'he's thirteen' argument will vaporize about half of them, and then-"

"What?" Piper demands. "You can't kill them."

"Uh, yeah, we can. That's pretty much the point of this whole story," Rachel points out. "What do you think we've been doing for the past five chapters?"

"But you saw Maya!" Piper argues. "She rewrote herself, remember? She changed."

"Piper, Maya's the exception to the rule," Annabeth explains. "She probably wasn't much of a Sue to begin with, and most of them won't listen to us if we say anything's wrong with them. Not to mention that they'll combust anyways. Logic kills them."

"It didn't kill Maya."

"Maya was… well, she was like you," Rachel admits grudgingly. "Besides the name, I mean. But she was… redeemable. She didn't have to completely scrap her character idea. But most of these… well, what the hell were the writers _thinking_?"

"We have to give them a chance!"

"LOVE ME, LOVE ME!"

"I DESERVE TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I'M SO MOTHERFUCKING SPECIAL!"

Annabeth raises her eyebrows. "You want to give _them _a chance?"

Rachel nods in agreement. "Piper, as a Sue, you can't do anything that would cause people to not like you. You _have _to do the right thing. But the right thing usually makes for very poor humor, you know? So it's just not going to work here."

Steel flashes in Piper's eyes, and the crowd of Nico-loving Sues hushes dramatically. "I'm a daughter of Aphrodite," she reminds Annabeth. "I know a thing or two about love magic. Either you do it my way, or Percy will love the Sues until the end of time!"

Cue shocked gasps and few irritated shrieks of "But Percy loves _me_!"

Annabeth smacks her hand to her forehead and groans, "You really had to pick _now _for character development?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: What is this thing? Is it… a **_**plot**_**?**

**Nah.**

**Longest chapter so far. Figured you guys earned it after my month-long vacation from this story. (Sorry, sorry…) Still, this was probably one of the most fun chapters I've written, even though it's a little lacking in my usual horrible punch lines.**

**So, what do you guys think Annabeth should do? Kill the Sues, rewrite their bios, or let Rachel paint them to death? (That last one's not really an option, but it would be funny, don't you think?) I would put up a poll so you guys could vote on it, but a) I'm too lazy and b) ...yeah, I'm too lazy.**

**(Shameless self-advertising) I don't have any other PJATO fics up at the moment, but I do have a few for the Maximum Ride series and Degrassi. If you would read them, that would be frickin' awesome.  
><strong>

**Again, sorry for the delay! Virtual cookies and eternal gratitude to anyone who reviews! (Come on, how could you pass that up?)**

**I do not own PJATO.**


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